PERSPECTIVE - Finding Healing Through The Eyes Of Your Abuser

This statement below is addressing "internal anger" created from abuse.

This is not excusing the behaviors, but validating that our inner souls scream for healing, and a voice.  Anger and violence are unacceptable when placed upon someone else, and self-harm is also not acceptable, BUT they are clearly a huge cry for help.

I think that is the point being made here.  Also, it is OK to say "I am angry".  As an abuse survivor, part of my healing journey went into a different direction.   I looked at the bigger picture from the eyes of my abusers.  It was really, really hard to do so (painstaking); but it was there that I found answers. Answers that I needed so I could move forward in my life.

Why did my abusers, abuse me? What was in (his/her) past that led up to these horrible actions? Why was I the chosen one?

It was there in those dark moments, that I allowed myself to heal.

 Perspective - looking through the eyes of your abuser to find validation and answers.

As you take those brave steps into someone else’s shoes, you may see things from a different view. It is there that you can find healing from abuse and trauma.

I made the brave and bold decision to do just that.

It was very hard because one of my abusers was my own mother, and my father left me feeling alone and abandoned, as I battled to survive the trauma that was bestowed upon me at a very young age.

Then I had to become even more bold and look through the eyes of my sexual abuser. How terrifying does that sound?

The answer -

All of it was terrifying, painful and devastating at times. Yes, I say devastating because not only did it validate that the abuse happened, but I also had to accept that these deplorable things were done to me.

I had to own it. I had to say YES, this is a part of who I am. I had to say the words out loud, and hear it for myself, using my own voice-Chilling!

I had very different feelings when looking through the eyes of my parents, and then looking through the eyes of my sexual abuser.

First of all, I chose to work through my painful past connected to my parents. I have had countless people say to me, “How could you forgive them?”.

This was my answer.

As a young couple they married out of true love and created a life, home and family together. My mother struggled profusely with mental illness and my father could not understand it. How could he? It was the sign of the times when mental health wasn’t talked about or addressed. It was actually frowned upon and deemed as an embarrassment to all. My mother struggled alone, with no understanding or proper support. Now add in a sick child. My older brother John was diagnosed with Leukemia and passed away. This turn of events sent both of my parents in two very different dark directions. They were both devastated and life as they knew it was over forever. Their beautiful family destroyed.

In the mix of all the madness there I was surrounded by confusion. I was lost in the shuffle of this dysfunctional chaos. I was forgotten. Sadly, I was abused mentally, physically and emotionally because of this, and I had to fight every day to survive. Life for me was very difficult and scary.

Now, as an adult looking back at this whole picture, I can see clearly how this all fell apart, and why I was abused, and neglected.

Does it make it right? Do I agree with the decisions of the adults all around me?

NO on all counts. The bottom line, the child should always come first, and that was not the case with me.

Where I found understanding and forgiveness towards my parents, came from the fact, that I saw their pain, I lived it. As an adult, with my own children, I can only imagine the pain that they felt losing my brother. No parent should ever have to bury their own child.

I looked at life through their eyes, and I get it. It was completely wrong what happened to me, but I do understand how it happened and why it fell apart. I found forgiveness there in that extremely vulnerable place in time. Trust me when I say, it was very, very difficult to walk that road to get here, and there will always be those old “PINGS” of pain that resurface from time to time. During those difficult moments, I sit with it for a bit, and then send it on its way. I cannot change the past, nobody can, but I allow it to only be a small part of who I am as a woman. My personal darkness has taught me how incredible the light is.

As for my sexual abuser, that was a lot harder, and I can say that I did NOT find full forgiveness through the process. I did gain perspective, understanding and a small piece of empathy for this young man who was so evil and cruel to me. He craved complete control, torture, and demonic essence that empowered him to the ultimate levels.

So, why am I looking at his perspective, because someone who is so evil and cruel does not deserve that time and energy right?

NOPE - wrong.

The reason I took that personal journey is because I needed to make sense out of it all. I needed to have a full understanding of why he chose me, what brought him to such a dark place, and what actually happened to him as a child. I needed to regain control.

I did find out that he was an abused child and he struggled from mental instabilities. He was sexually abused along the way, and his parents were into drugs and alcohol. He was a misfit. He was cast away at a young age, deemed “garbage” by the very people who were supposed to love and protect him. They created the “Monster”, and because of that I suffered hideous acts of sexual abuse for a long period of time. He was never stopped torturing people. He went on to abuse many other people until his untimely death by Suicide.

He was a tortured soul.

His story was sad, and there are countless children out there right now, this very moment, living that same horrendous existence.

My abuser never had a chance, he was so damaged at a very young age, he could not make it back to reality. The result - HE ABUSED ME! HE ABUSED MANY WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

I found a “sense of forgiveness” because of all he went through.

Could he have made different choices? Maybe.

Maybe, he was beyond repair before he even became a teenager’ that is when he abused me. He was 15 years old and full of hate, evil and madness.

By telling his story, I do understand why I became his victim. Does it make it OK that he abused me? Absolutely not, but it did give me closure.

It was from that point that my true healing journey began. It was from that point forward, that I chose to look at my life, and all that had happened to me. I learned to let it go. It was in my past, I own it. I worked extremely hard to make peace with it the best that I possible could.

We all find our way toward healing, and every road is different and unique. We all heal on different levels. It truly is about how far we want to go with it, and what our souls allow us to see. It is also about mindset, and true grit as people make their way forward in life.

Sadly, many do not get here. Sadly, many people do not make it out alive.

PERSPECTIVE…

We see things in different ways, through different eyes.

Food for thought!

Embrace the Journey,

God Bless

Lisa Zarcone

Author - Child & Mental Health Advocate - Public Speaker - Blogger - Inspirationalist - Social Media Influencer

Massachusetts National Ambassador for NAASCA - National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse