Suicide Prevention - This Is My Story Of Contemplating Suicide As A Young Child
There are so many injustices in this world. I believe abuse towards a child is high on top of the list!
The question here is, how far can you push someone before they call it – “Game Over”?
When you hear the word suicide, I am sure you cringe. When people discuss suicide, they usually do not think of children and young adults. This topic is usually about someone in adulthood who unfortunately felt so alone in this world that they needed to end the pain and suffering.
How many people think, what about our youth?
In this day and age children as young as eight years old have committed suicide because of abuse, neglect, bullying and not being accepted by their peers. PLEASE READ THIS SENTENCE AGAIN!!! YES, eight years old.
Imagine your eight-year-old self, and try to put those horrible thoughts inside your young mind? I am sure for many that is very hard to do. The bottom line NO child should ever have to feel this way, EVER!
We need to continue to step up, and raise awareness about suicide. We must work toward more “suicide prevention”.
I am sharing my personal story of my thoughts of suicide at the tender age of 13. At this point of my young life, I had been so damaged. I was being abused mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. I had more than one abuser. One of my abusers was my own mother who struggled with mental illness. My second abuser was also mentally ill. He was a young man in our neighborhood, who swooped into our dysfunctional household, and saw opportunity. It was a very dark time in my life, and what I had to endure daily was hideous. I called my home, “The House of Horrors”. If the walls could speak, what a tale they would tell.
The life of an abused thirteen-year-old girl. Lost, alone, isolated and broken.
Here is a passage from my personal memoir “The Unspoken Truth” This chapter is titled
THE BEAST WITHIN
Things for me just got continually worse. Day in and day out countless acts of abuse were performed on me and I was trapped. I did not tell a soul. I just endured it hoping and praying one day it will be over one way or another. I can go on and on about what was done to me. The stories are endless.
I can say this, with each and every moment of abuse, it made me feel dirtier, darker and zombie like. I was going through my days numb to the world around me. How could no one see this I would think to myself sometimes? I do not even know who I am anymore. I am lost, alone feeling dead inside, and at the same time my insides are screaming for help so deafening that I cannot think.
Why can’t anyone see what is happening to me? Everyone close to us at this point knows my mom is totally incompetent. They know Jerry (my sexual abuser) is at our house every day. Then, there are the visible bruises that I have all over my body. HOW CAN NOBODY SEE…
Why would everyone turn a blind eye to this nightmare I am living? Am I that worthless to the world, non-important non-existent?
Those were the thoughts that would scream through my brain day in and day out. This negative dark force placed inside my soul, that was so loud; I would want to smash myself in the head with a rock and end the torment. One day I woke up and hit my breaking point. I just had enough. I could not take another moment of my life, this disgusting existence, so I decided I would just end it myself. I would kill myself so the suffering would stop. I would finally find my peace.
Here were my thoughts….
I would go up to the lake near my house, and jump off at the waterfall, hit the rocks and it will be done and over with! I thought about it for a little while, and the thought of not suffering anymore sounded so wonderful and peaceful to me. The thought of my brother waiting for me was so inviting. He would take my hand and lead me home to a place where nobody can ever reach me, a place where I would truly be safe.
I am now on a mission. My mindset was focused on ending it all that day. I leave the house and go. Game plan is now in motion.
I do not remember my walk up to the lake. Everything was foggy and distorted. All of a sudden, I am now standing there at the top of this wall with all these tainted thoughts going through my head. The tears start flowing profusely. I am this skinny little girl with big blue sad eyes wanting to end it all, but funny thing standing there alone in that moment I felt like someone or something was saying NO-WAIT-STOP this is not the answer, don’t do it. I heard these words loud and clear! ECHOING OVER AND OVER!!!! Everything then seemed fuzzy, and in slow motion like I was floating in a bubble. Imagine the silence in that bubble for a moment floating endlessly with a seemingly steady hum, like a bee buzzing along, hmmmmm bzzzzzzzzzzz ohmmm. Twisting and turning over and over everything blurred, and then POP!!!!
All of a sudden there was my mom standing at the bottom of the falls near the road screaming at me to get down at once. She had her cigarette in hand, crazy eyes, and hair teased up on end. She was dressed in her classic tube top and shorts with her big clunky high-heeled shoes, with that bold red lipstick glaring in the sun. Watching her mouth move was like watching a 3-D movie those red lips coming at me louder and louder. What a site she was, and I was like what the hell, how did she know I was here, or what I was about to do?
She kept on screaming, “Don’t jump get down right now, do you hear me!” Ohh, I did hear her loud and clear! I felt like I had no choice so I came down, baffled at the thought of her being aware enough in that moment to know what I was going to do.
She has been in a world of her own for so long, and here it is a moment of clarity at the last seconds that I want to end my life? I was more confused than ever. As I slowly walked towards her, she was ranting and raving like a lunatic, hands waving in the air. She grabbed me by the arm, squeezing me so tight and literally dragging me along as we walked home. She continued to yell at me for being stupid, foolish and any other name she could think of. She was so filled with rage and anger. Until we go home (The house of horrors).
Once we hit the steps of our house, there was instant silence. It was like someone flipped a switch. It was like she went back into mechanical mode, and that glazed over look came back on her face, her eyes were once again DEAD.
You can only imagine what I was thinking?
All that yelling and screaming! Making a huge scene! There was such rage and anger which riddled right through my soul. Then in the blink of an eye, silence once again. It was madness, pure madness, and I was the unwilling victim. To make matters worse, it was never discussed again. I was erased, like my life didn’t even matter.
To make matters even worse, along comes Jerry. Another horrible day finishes out.
How does a thirteen-year-old girl survive? Will she try again?
The Unspoken Truth…
Please I ask you to step up for our youth. Check in on them, and ask the questions. If you see someone struggling young or old, do not turn a blind eye to it. Your random act of kindness could save a life. Many times all someone needs to hear is that they matter.
As a young girl I felt completely invisible, worthless and depressed. I felt like garbage on the bottom of someone’s shoe being dragged around. Nobody should ever be made to feel that way, especially a child.
Lets step up and walk together. Lets find a way to help the countless people out there who continue to struggle in silence. By using our voices, and can break the silence for others.
Awareness is key to change. Kindness Matters!
Embrace The Journey,
Lisa Zarcone
2021 Heroine Award Recipient - MA Commission on the Status of Women
MA National Ambassador for Naasca (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse)
Author - Public Speaker - Child & Mental Health Advocate - Blogger - Inspirationalist
The Unspoken Truth A Memoir - A Child’s Story - An Adults Journey Towards Healing
If you or someone you know is struggling - Remember there is always a way
You are not alone
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255 or 988
