Mental Illness Effects All Who Are Connected To The Person Who Is Struggling
When you are living with someone who is mentally ill, life can be extremely challenging. When you live with a person whose mental illness is untreated, life can be disastrous. As a young girl, I walked that fine line every single day. It went on for years! The damage caused by the continual trauma of a dysfunctional environment left many scars, and years of therapy to undo.
This type of trauma is called PTSD & Complex PTSD. Flashbacks - Nightmares - Living in two worlds at one time. Also causing Developmental Disabilities, which create what I call “The Blank Spaces” inside the mind. Short periods of time, lost in a cloud of confusion. The damaged mind trying to protect itself from continual abuse.
There are long-terms effects of this type of trauma/abuse, that last a lifetime. I have worked long and hard to overcome my past and all that was done to me, but there will always be scars and quirks. The damage was done!
Here is a short story from my next book. This is my mother’s story from birth to death, and all that happened in between. I will showcase the life of mother and daughter, as they road the “crazy train” together. I hope that my story will bring awareness to mental health, and how mental illness/generational abuse continues on in a family until the cycle can finally be broken.
How do we break that cycle? Awareness - Breaking the Silence - Stepping UP - Supporting
A story from my up and coming book - The Book of Joann
The Cheerleader
Lisa had many secret ambitions for herself, and none of them included what life was handing her at this time in her life. Lisa fought off the negativity like a soldier marching into battle every single day.
She had dreams, wishes and many grand ideas for her future. She would write them all down in her journal, and dream about a better life. One of her dreams was to become a cheerleader. Lisa always wanted to cheer and be a part of a team.
When her school announced that they were having cheerleading tryouts, Lisa was ecstatic!! She thought this could be my chance to break free, be involved in something new and exciting. As Lisa gathered all the information about try outs, she did not tell a soul, especially her mother.
When the day finally arrived, Lisa gave it all that she had and hoped for the best. The coaches loved her and she was told that very day that she made the team. She was over the moon with happiness. She jumped up and down with the other girls as they all chattered together. Even though it was junior high, Lisa felt so grown up as she said, “I am a cheerleader”!
When she arrived home that day, her mother was waiting for her at the kitchen table. At this time, they were now living with her grandparents, because her parents were getting a divorce. Joann could not handle living on her own anymore due to an incident where she did not arrive home one day after work. Lisa contacted her family members, who came and got her as they searched for her mom. Unfortunately, her mom tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized. Lisa moved in with her father for a very short period of time, but was returned back to her mother when she came home from the hospital.
“Where were you”? Joann snarled at her daughter. “Well, mom I actually went out for the cheerleading squad and made the team”, Lisa said quietly. “You did what”? “Who told you that you could do this”? Joann stated sounding quite annoyed. “I told me to do it”, Lisa said with a stark attitude. “It is something that I wanted to do and I am doing it, I do not care what you think”! Lisa stood her ground.
Joann eyed her for a bit, and said snidely, “OK big shot, that is fine, but I will be coming to all of your games”! Lisa looked at her totally angry, and raised her voice to her mother for the first time, “NO you are not”, “I don’t want you there”!
“Well, if I am not there, then you will not be their either”, Joann told her. Lisa’s heart sank into her stomach, as she silently turned and walked down the hallway to her room. Joann remained in the kitchen taunting her as she walked away. “Boo Hoo Mona Lisa is not happy”, too bad!
The next day, Lisa started practicing. She decided to just go with it, telling herself it will be alright. She worked really hard, and when she received her uniform, she was so proud. She called her dad and asked him to please help her get her cheer sneakers because they had to be a certain brand. He was not too happy about it at first but then agreed to help her.
Lisa stood in the mirror as she put on her uniform that was blue and white. Her eyes shined brightly as she eyed herself feeling so good from head to toe. It was all so perfect. She said to herself, “You can do this”! As she put the finishing touches on her look with a big blue bow in her hair, she felt so proud.
The next day was her first big game. Her mother forced her to give her the schedule, and Lisa cringed hoping that she would not come. When school ended that day, all the girls went to the gym and changed into their uniforms. It was such a happy moment. Lisa felt like she actually belonged. As they all got onto the bus, football players, cheerleaders, and coaches, the energy was high, filled with such excitement.
The first game was a great success. Lisa cheered her heart out, was part of a cheerleading pyramid and the boys won! The best part of the day was that her mom was a no show, but unfortunately so was her dad. Lisa invited him, but he did not come.
As she rode the bus home from the game, many thoughts went through her mind. There was a bit of sadness that filtered through the excitement. As they pulled into the school and proceeded to get off of the bus, many kids were greeted by their parents with smiles, hugs and kisses. As everyone dissipated to their vehicles, Lisa gathered up her belongings changed into her other sneakers and started her long walk home with her pom poms in hand.
There was nobody there for her and she accepted that because she was finally able to do something that she enjoyed. She kept telling herself nobody was going to stop her. When she got home, her grandparents were there in the kitchen and asked her how it went. Lisa shared her joy about cheering and winning the game. Her grandparents seemed genuinely happy for her. She then asked her grandmother where her mom was. “Lisa, she has not left her room all day”, Rose sighed. “Ok, then”, Lisa responded. She knew she had to go in there to get her clothing, as they shared a room. Lisa also knew that the room would be filled with smoke, which she detested more than anything.
Lisa went on in quickly grabbed her things and walked back out, and her mother was extremely quiet. She didn’t even acknowledge her daughter’s presence. Lisa was sad and thankful at the same time.
Lisa managed to get through her first few games without her mom in attendance, and felt maybe it will be ok after all, until one day it just wasn’t.
As the bus pulled up to the game Lisa spotted her mother leaning against her car. She froze for a moment and her friends asked her what was wrong. “Nothing, nothing, there is my mom”, Lisa said. The girls looked over and just made a face towards Lisa. Of course, Joann was standing there with outlandish clothing (dressed like a gypsy), bright pink lipstick, and she was smoking.
When she saw Lisa, she started yelling, “Lisa, Lisa, there is my baby look at her, isn’t she beautiful”! Everyone was looking, and she was totally embarrassed. Lisa ran over to her mom to try to talk to her, but the coach called her back over. Lisa took her place and the game began.
Every time they began to cheer, Joann cheered with them. She decided to come up closer, and stood behind the line, yelling and screaming. Then she felt the need to take it up a notch and added vulgarity to the cheers.
“Let’s go Big Blue, Lets fuck them up”!!! “Shake your asses, show your tits girls”!!
“Show these boys what you got”!!
The coach was appalled, and went over to speak to her. Joann immediately got aggressive calling her all sorts of names included a “cunt”. She made a huge scene. Lisa was so mortified and some of the kids were pointing and laughing as Joann made a total spectacle of herself.
The coach walked over to Lisa and said, “You need to leave with your mother immediately. We cannot have this on our team, so I am sorry you have to go”. Lisa was heartbroken and shocked that the coach would cut her, and more disturbed that she was sending her off with her mother at that very moment.
Why do I have to be responsible for my mother’s awful behaviors?
Why am I supposed to be the one to take care of her, she is supposed to take care of me?
Why am I always punished because of her?
I hate her! -- These were all the thoughts going through Lisa’s head.
Lisa remained silent as she put her head down and walked away, but inside she was screaming “DOESN’T ANYONE SEE, DOESN’T ANYONE CARE” “HELP ME”.
As she walked to the car, one of her friends grabbed her hand and said, “I’m sorry” and then ran back to the squad. Lisa got in the car, and her mother was still cursing and screaming as they drove off. She was beeping the horn and giving them all the finger. Lisa sunk down in the seat, and her mother screamed at her the whole way home.
That was the beginning and end of Lisa’s cheerleading dream. The next day she went to see the coach and handed her back the uniform. The coach just said she was sorry and that was it. Lisa was never asked if she was ok, or safe in her home; absolutely nothing was acknowledged. As Lisa left the gymnasium, some of the other girls were being very mean, pointing and whispering. Lisa heard them as they chuckled. It was quite hurtful. There were a couple of the girls that talked to her briefly before she left, but they never continued on with a friendship because she was off the squad.
Back to square one.
This is one of the countless events that occurred in my life.
Lisa Zarcone
Author - Child & Mental Health Advocate - Public Speaker - Blogger
MA National Ambassador for NAASCA - National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
MA 2021 Heroine Award Recipient - MA Commission on the Status of Women
